the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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