walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize