You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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