did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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