im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
