just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
