just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
