after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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