Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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