My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
