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As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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