I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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