He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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