Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
