i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
