i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
