before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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