Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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