so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
