I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
