here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
