Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize