this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
