don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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