remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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