He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
