Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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