The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
