ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
