How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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