she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
