I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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