How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
