Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
