you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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