Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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