she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
