You can't special order awesome
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
