if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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