I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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