i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You need Xanax blowdarts
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
