don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
