I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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