No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
