Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
