I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I did not marry a roomba.
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