Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize