im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
