Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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