I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
