Porn is love you can see.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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