Got a toothbrush?
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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