I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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