I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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