one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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