What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
