Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
