I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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