Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
