If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
