Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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