if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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