Buhtt sex?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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