i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
