Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
