you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
