She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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