i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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