i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
