the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
