it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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