He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
