Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
