he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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