u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
