Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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