fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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